A couple becomes engaged and the wedding plans commence. A tremendous amount of time, money and effort are spent deciding on flowers, menu, venue, ceremony and all the other minutia which makes up a wedding of their dreams.
Rarely, however, is the same amount of time, money and effort spent on planning for the marriage, and this is unfortunate.
The engagement period should be a time of preparation not only for the wedding, but for the marriage. In fact, wedding plans should be secondary to marriage plans. If couples put as much time and energy in decision-making regarding their mutual goals and expectations as they do regarding what sort of coffee-maker to put on their gift registry, they’d have an easier time of it in the long run.
Invest time in your marriage planning.
Take the time to find out what your loved one’s assumptions are regarding marriage and share yours. Then talk about where your individual strengths lie. Which of you is the better financial manager? Which of you enjoys cooking? Who has the best organizational skills? Who enjoys doing yard work? Who has the best chance for career advancement?
Marriage is hard work, so you have to learn to work within your individual strengths, but be open to input. Decide up front who will be responsible for what in the marriage, but with the understanding that it is all a partnership. Your marriage will change and grow many times during the course of your lives together. If you remain flexible and open to new ideas, your marriage will thrive.
Invest money in your marriage planning.
The average wedding today costs $20,000 or more.
If you are willing to invest thousands of dollars on your wedding day, shouldn’t you be willing to invest a few hundred on all the years that will follow? Invest in pre-marital counseling or at the very least, books on marriage preparation.
Pre-marital counseling will usually involve meeting with the counselor together, then separately and finally together again. It’s the best forum for airing out potential problems before they occur.
In many cases, pastors require couples to meet them for counseling before they agree to perform the marriage ceremony. This is particularly important for Christian couples because marriage is a covenant entered into before God. In other words, it is a three-way partnership.
Reading books on preparing for marriage together will prompt conversations about issues such as money, children and sex. After reading a chapter, discuss your understanding of what you’ve learned with your loved one. You may be surprised to discover your different interpretations of the same information. But, you’ll also learn techniques for finding middle ground on those issues.
Invest the effort in your marriage planning.
A successful marriage takes work. So does preparing for marriage.
Once the two of you begin talking about your assumptions and expectations for the marriage, you are bound to come upon points of conflict. This is where you must work to learn the skills of patience and understanding..
Maybe the most important skill you can learn at this stage of your relationship is “active listening”. When you listen actively, you listen to what your loved one says without interruption, repeat back to him what you believe you heard him say (that’s called reflection) and then tell him your understanding of what he said. If you are sitting there just waiting to make your own point in the matter, you are not listening actively.
You must also put forth the effort to question your own ideas about love and marriage at this stage of your relationship. The two of you have grown up in different circumstances and with differing family dynamics. You are bound to look at certain aspects of life in different ways, and it’s normal to think that your way is the right way. But, you have to be open to the notion that there may be a different way of doing things. That’s really hard work, but it’s worth the effort if it leads to a happy marriage.
Do the marriage planning before the wedding planning.
For most couples, investing time, money and effort in marriage planning will pay off in a happier marriage.
But if despite pre-marital counseling and honest conversation, you come to an impasse regarding some vital aspect of marriage, it may be time to step back and re-assess your plans. That’s why we really recommend that you complete the “marriage planning” before beginning the “wedding planning.” Once you start investing money in flowers, the cake and the caterer, you may be hesitant to bring up issues which are troubling you for fear of disappointing everyone involved.
There is no shame in breaking off an engagement. Ending an engagement is much less painful than divorce. And if you have major issues which will always be points of pain and contention between you, it may be the most loving thing you can do.
