Romance for Dummies

 

FEBRUARY IS THE MONTH WHEN ALL THOUGHTS TO TURN ROMANCE.

Cards, candy and flowers are purchased and candlelight dinners are planned.  Many couples become engaged to marry on Valentine's Day.

But, what is romance really?  And is it as important as good sex in a marriage?  Is it, perhaps, more important?

Focus on the Family's James Dobson says about romance, "Though romance can mean vastly different things to each of us, for most the word describes that wonderful feeling of being noticed, wanted and pursued - of being at the very center of our lover's attention."

Most couples have no trouble maintaining the romance during the engagement and into the newlywed phase of marriage.  But, as the years go by and life gets in the way, that romantic feeling begins to fade.  Often that also means a decline in the frequency of and satisfaction with sex.  But, even if the couple is still enjoying a satisfying sexual relationship, romance can be shoved aside by every day stresses and responsibilities.  That can be a recipe for disaster, and here's why.

What Men Need Versus What Women Need

Romance if often defined differently by men and women.  For men, it's a means to an end---sex.  For women, it is the things her man does that make her feel desired and cherished.

Men need to be admired.  During the romantic phase of a relationship, the woman spends lots of time admiring her man's looks, his intelligence and most importantly, his abilities.  Men pretty much need constant ego stroking, and sex is the ultimate ego stroke for them.  It is what they thrive on and an important ingredient of the glue that keeps them honest in the relationship.

Women, on the other hand, need to be cherished and desired.  Again, in the early part of a relationship, her man praises her face and form.  She is led to believe she is wanted above all other women, and her husband cannot get enough of her sexually.  The constant reinforcement from her husband then causes her to desire him.

Romance Takes Work

It may seem impossible that a couple can enjoy good sex while having lost "that lovin' feelin".  But, it is not.  Practice makes perfect when it comes to the sex act.  Over the years, the husband and wife learn what it takes to bring the most pleasure to each other during sex.  They get good at it.  They can roll over in bed, go through the motions and fireworks will ensue.

Romance on the other hand takes planning and preparation.  To bring romance into the life of your lover, you must know her likes and dislikes, what makes her feel desired and what gives her a thrill.  Where good sex means knowing how to use your body, romance means knowing how to use your head and your heart.  This is particularly true when it comes to romancing women.

According to Dave Klassen of Growthtrac Marriage, "Romance is a vital part of the female persona.  Men rarely, if ever, say something like; 'Oh, how romantic,' or 'My ideal woman is a true romantic.'"  Klassen continues, "God created her with that built-in need, and He created (men) to meet it.  So even though romance isn't naturally a high priority for (men), (they) need to ener into that realm for her benefit.  It's part of loving her sacrificially."

Intimacy

Here is where that scary word "intimacy" comes in.  Romance cannot be present in a long term relationship without intimacy.  But, what is intimacy really and how does one achieve it?

Intimacy is what happens when two people connect emotionally, intellectually and sometimes physically.  To be intimate with someone, you have to learn their every-day quirks and habits.  To do that you have to pay attention and that means listening.  If you and your spouse are living parallel lives, going to your separate workplaces all day, attending to your responsibilities at home, then falling into bed exhausted without talking about anything but kids and household tasks, intimacy will die.

So, how do we maintain romance in our relationships?

Romance takes practice and planning and as crazy as it sounds, so does sponteneity.  Pay attention to your spouse's likes and dislikes.  Keep a mental list of what makes his or her eys sparkle and heart beat faster.  Then you will be prepared to surprise him or her with a romantic moment on the spur of the moment.

Think like a teenager.  Do you remember how you felt about each other during your dating days?  Discuss those times together...how you flirted, what your first kiss felt like and how you wanted each other.  Recall the thrill of the chase and the physical excitement of the desire you felt for each other.  As we get older, most of us feel we should "grow out of" those adolescent feelings.  But, recapturing them can bring that old feeling back into a marriage.

Praise each other often.  Men, praise your wife's face and form.  Women, praise your husband's accomplishments.  The very act of praise is romantic.

Protect your relationship.  Men, if you don't romance your wife, someone else will.  Women, if you don't praise your husband, someone else will.  If you don't have sex with your spouse, there is always someone out there waiting to fill in for you.  Your marriage is your own Garden of Eden and you are Adam and Eve protected in it for as long as you focus on each other and don't allow anyone else in.

Make sure your motivation is in the right place.  Men, hug your wife...don't grope her.  Romance is not about the desired end...sex...although that may often be the result in a loving relationship.  Focus on what you are giving and not on what you are getting.  Otherwise, you're traveling down a dead end road.

Klassen says, "You are not predestined to a marriage without romance.  It doesn't have to devolve into a boring social contract in which each of you simply fulfills your responsibilities with no passion between you.  Putting romance on your daily to-do list will keep the excitement in your relationship for the duration of your marriage."