LEARNING TO LISTEN

OFTEN OUR COMMUNICATIONS PROBLEMS WITH OUR SPOUSES, CHILDREN AND OTHER LOVED ONES CAN BE SOLVED BY LEARNING TO BE A GOOD LISTENER.

Yet, listening has become a lost art.  Most of us are so intent on getting our own points across, we forget to listen.  Rather than listening, we are formulating our next remark

The key to learning to listen is learning to shut up...particularly when you are having a disagreement with someone.  You should listen two-thirds of the time and talk one-third of the time.  Don't give in to the temptation to interrupt the other person.  Conversation is not about making a point.  It is about sharing ideas back and forth.

Think of conversation as a tennis match.  If you do all the talking, it is like letting the ball drop rather than hitting it back over the net.  Your loved one will feel frustrated and helpless.  In tennis, you have to pay attention to how hard the other person has hit the ball and watch its trajectory.  In conversation, you must pay attention to the other person's body language, the sound of his or her voice and the forcefulness of his or her expression.  Only then can you respond appropriately.

Listen actively.  Listening actively involves asking open ended questions and reflecting or repeating what you think you are hearing.  Ask if what you think you heard is accurate.  This lets the other person know that you really understand what he or she is trying to communicate.  If you're not sure what the other person is trying to say, ask for clarification before continuing the conversation.  Don't ask questions which might put the other person on the defensive.  Instead, ask "what if" questions or even ask for the other person's advice.  Finally, ask the other person about his or her feelings about the situation.

Be polite and respectful of your loved one's ideas even if you disagree.  Don't belittle or make fun of ideas or opinions which differ from your own.  Face the other person and make eye contact during your conversation.  This demonstrates respect and caring.  Use a soft voice.  When you use a soft voice, the other person will need to listen closely to hear what you are saying and most likely will subconsciously match your voice level.  Raising your voice while trying to make your point will only escalate tensions and push your loved one away.

Listening is one of your most powerful relationship tools.  Listening lets your loved one know you respect and care for him or her.  But like any skill, it takes practice.  So, think of the word REACH when you are trying to communicate.